i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
