He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
