We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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