his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
