Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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