We need to rekindle our bromance
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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