can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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