why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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