Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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