i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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