Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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