I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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