He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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