OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
