Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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