Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
