I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
