Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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