I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
