My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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