I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
