Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
time to smoke my breakfast
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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