I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
