Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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