If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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