If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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