I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
