Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
