I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm too high and old for this...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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