You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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