saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
