he told me I talked like a deaf person
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i've created a new STD.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
