my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just forgot I was standing up.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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