hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
