Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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