Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
