i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
