What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
