It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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