The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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