I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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