i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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