I am spending my child support on dildos
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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