I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
