i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
