the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
