Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
