Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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