pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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