And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
