I haven't been this sober since birth.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
