I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize