Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
