I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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