You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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