RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
