it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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