I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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