are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize